So yesterday I was asked to MC an event on Climate Change for the Australian Greens Party. I like the Greens because they are fairly close to my personal politics and have have lovely to me every time I've interacted with them, so I said yes.
I wrote some jokes about Climate Change, based on data their organizers sent across, and I like presenting that kind of one-off stuff someplace where it won't go to waste after use. So the transcript is below, if you're bored. And if you're really bored, you can listen along to a recording of the event. The jokes start at about 02:15.
Good evening. I have some notes here that I prepared for the evening. Here goes:
“Scientists, as we all know, are lefty communists who hate innocent rich people!”
Wait...sorry...that’s from the opening speech I’m giving at the Young Liberals Gala tomorrow. Let me find the right one.
“Planet Earth is a dole bludger who needs to lift her share of the...”
Nope, same speech. I’m so embarrassed. Okay, this is the right one, here goes:
Is Climate Change real? That’s the big question right? Is the Earth experiencing a shift in global temperatures, and if so, is that due to humans? Now there’s a great deal of controversy about this basic assumption, so lets quickly review both sides.
On this side--saying that climate change is real, is happening now, and will have catastrophic implications for all of us if something is not done soon--are majority of the world’s leading scientists whose job it is to study exactly this thing and have found overwhelming evidence to confirm their data.
On the other side is Andrew Bolt. Now I’m not saying Andrew Bolt isn’t a scientist with impeccable research...actually no, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Andrew Bolt isn’t a scientist with impeccable research.
So at this point, the question you have to ask yourself is, “On this complex and important issue of Climate Change, should I listen to the thousands of people who have dedicated their lives to the scientific analysis of the problem and are united in the same results? Or should I listen to the guy who thinks gay marriage is a gateway drug to incest?
That’s a key thing here. We have scientists for a reason, so that we have people who are good at science. Otherwise science would be left to people like us and my understanding of science barely goes beyond “salt is salty!” Let scientists tell you about science. Otherwise you might as fire all the specialists in every field and we’ll have restaurants serving meals cooked by whoever was walking past the kitchen, ballet being performed by anyone who watched Black Swan, and the economy being decided upon by politicians.
Now that we have settled that portion of the debate, lets move on to see what it actually means when we say “Climate Change is a problem”? Well, I gathered some facts to help explain this better:
1. NASA announced that last month was the hottest September since global records have been kept. Now, I read that article online, and one of the first comments underneath was from someone in Perth saying, “Oh yeah, then why was I feeling so cold?” Which is like saying, the sun doesn’t exist because last night it got dark.
2. Last year, 22 million people were displaced by natural hazard events. Which is a cute term for, the Earth tried killing them. This is going to rise to around 250 million if the temperature rises by as little as 4 degrees. Which means that Asia is going to start having a problem with Australian boat people coming there.
3. We’ve lost more than 606,000 square miles of sea ice between 1979 to 2013 - equivalent to the area of New South Wales. Which means, if New South Wales had been made of ice, the Sydney Swans would still be a bunch of arseholes.
4. Here in WA, it is predicted that sea levels will rise 0.9 metres by 2100. Which means those Shark nets are going to have be installed on Beaufort Street. Unfortunately, Colin Barnett just sacked everyone working on renewables, gutted the climate change policy area, and banned the use of the word climate change in the state planning strategy. Which doesn’t make any sense unless you realize he recently bought a house in Toodyay and this is his strategy for turning that into a beach-front property.
5. I can give you more facts about coral beaching and rising drought levels, but here’s something that’ll really hit close to home. By 2030 the climate in Margaret River will become closer to that of Perth, and as a result cabernet sauvignon and chardonnay will be lost. And I don’t know about you, but I really like Chardonnay. Man cannot live on VB alone!
6. And finally, scientists are warning that if we continue to do nothing, by 2100 the world will be four degrees hotter. What does that mean for Australia?
a. Melbourne’s climate will be like Griffith in regional NSW. (Which actually means that dressing for Melbourne weather will be easier)
b. Canberra will feel like outback Cobar. Although given how many politicians are there, Canberra might experience more severe heating than any other place.
c. Alice Springs will be as hot as modern day Sudan. Which is interesting because their tourism industry is already similar to modern day Sudan’s.
d. Darwin will become uninhabitable, and not for the current reasons that it is uninhabitable.